


Barely visible stars

by tonysta_k



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Degrading Language, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Lesbians, MTF Gerard, Mild violence (mentioned), Trans Female Character, Transphobia, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 13:24:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5418701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonysta_k/pseuds/tonysta_k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gee had preferred it when she wasn't out to her school. The days when she could just be herself and not have abuse shouted at her as she walked the halls. The days when she wasn't scared of doing such mundane tasks such as catching the bus.</p><p>And then Lindsey comes along, and maybe everything isn't completely shit for once. Maybe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barely visible stars

**Author's Note:**

> The first thing I want to say is that Gee does not represent every single transgender person. Every transgender person is different. The problems that Gee suffers with are not suffered with by every single person who is transgender.
> 
> Secondly, there is extreme use of transphobic language in this and if that's triggering to you then please don't read this.
> 
> Gee also suffers with body dysphoria in this, and if that is something that is triggering for you then please don't read it.

Gee never stands with the people at the busstop. She stands round the side of the wall by the busstop, only stepping away from it when the bus comes to pick them up for high school. She would stand with them if she wasn't so aware of the harsh words and looks she'll be given.

Gee 'wasn't born a girl'. Though she thinks - no, she _knows_ that's bollocks. She's always been a girl, she just wasn't born with the body of a cis girl. Regardless, she's a girl and she won't let anyone tell her different. However, her confidence is always formed when she's behind the screen of her phone or computer. She hates to admit it but she's terrified of what will happen if one of the boys at the busstop get her on her own.

The bus comes and Gee only removes herself from her hiding place when the last person is getting on the bus. She shows her bus pass to the bus driver before sitting down at the front as she always does. None of her friends are on this bus - Frank walks due to only being round the corner from the school and the same goes for Ray. Mikey takes his bike - and Gee would if she had the confidence to ride on the road. So not so luckily for her, she's stuck on the bus with transphobic assholes.

Gee has her earphones in when they reach the next pick up stop. Everyone crowds on - ignoring Gee or giving her dirty looks, though she knows to look out the window. Then, something happens that hasn't happened since last year. Someone sits next to her. Gee turns her head slowly and she's caught off guard.

Sat next to Gerard is a girl - though Gee thinks the more accurate description of her is a _fucking goddess_. She's got jet black hair that just about touches her shoulders. She's wearing a short tartan skirt with thin chains on them. She's rocking high knee socks with black creepers. Gee looks back up and sees the girl (goddess) looking at her with an eyebrow raised. Gee's cheeks go red.

"What? Like my fashion sense?"

Gee stutters, "Y-yes."

The harsh (possibly defensive) look the girl was wearing disappears and she smiles. "Lindsey," she puts her hand out to shake with Gee's.

Gee would be staring in shock if she wasn't so desperate to make a friend. She shakes Lindsey's hand, "Gee."

Lindsey nods and rests against the back of her seat, looking at Gerard. "I just moved here, it's kind of scary to be in a new school with new people." This shyness and anxiousness seems to be out of character for someone who dresses so bold and confidently. But Gee knows not to judge someone by their appearance.

"You'll make friends in no time," Gee promises.

"I just made one," Lindsey winks.

Gee can't help but blush and feels a warm feeling in her stomach. Is it really that easy to make a friend?

-

"Explain why this is a big thing again," Ray says as he sits down for lunch with Gee.

Gee rolls her eyes, "Because," she sits down, "now I actually have a friend on my bus. I don't have to sit on my own or dread the bus trips in the morning or on the way home."

Ray nods, "Well I'm glad for you and all."

Gee sighs, she knows there's a 'but' or 'however' desperate to come off of Ray's tongue. "What?"

"What if she's like Jamia?"

Gee swallows thickly. "We don't talk about her," she mumbles, stabbing a piece of chicken with her fork.

Ray nods, "Of course. I'm sorry."

-

"You should wear this shade."

Gee and Lindsey are walking back from the bus stop. It's been a week since they met. Lindsey lives just two blocks away and Gee can walk her home and take a shortcut back to her's to avoid the boys who are constantly looking for opportunity to get her on her own and beat her up.

Gee looks at the lipstick Lindsey's holding in her hand. It's bright red, a shade too daring for Gee. She sticks to soft shades. "I don't know Lindsey.."

Lindsey rolls her eyes; a trait she's does a lot. "Come here." She takes Gee by her wrist and gently pulls her to a stop. "Open your mouth."

Gee opens her mouth, not knowing if she feels empowered or scared by Lindsey. It's likely to be a mixture of the condescending emotions.

Lindsey gently presses the lipstick against Gee's lips, gliding it over them. She uses the nail of her little finger to carefully scrape some lipstick from the corner of Gee's mouth. It doesn't hurt but it does bring colour to Gee's cheeks. She's always blushing around Lindsey.

"Rub your lips together."

Gee does just that before smiling shyly at Lindsey. Lindsey takes Gee's hand, pries her fingers away from her palms and puts the lipstick there. She smiles at Gee, "Perfect."

-

Gee's diary is full of entries of Lindsey - how Gee likes the way her hair has a shine to it even when it hasn't been washed for days. How Lindsey always smiles at Gee when they get on the bus. The way Lindsey beat Frank in a arm wrestling competition. Gee's also drawn Lindsey in her diary - anything that'll help her get over this crush. Even if Lindsey's checked girls out and compliments Gee constantly - there's no way Lindsey could ever be into Gee. What's she got to offer?

Lindsey is yet to find out that Gee is transgender and the thought of her reacting like Jamia did just.. Gee can't even think about it. She knows she doesn't have to tell Lindsey - but she wants to. She doesn't want to keep anything from her and she's hoping she can trust her.

-

They stumble into the house and burst into laughter once again. Gee has no idea what's so funny, all she knows is that her system is full of alcohol and she's about to fall over her feet. She crashes to the ground and within seconds, Lindsey laying next to her - both of them laughing harder.

"Oh my god oh my god," Lindsey says, sitting up and trying to calm her laughter. Her stomach hurts from laughing so much. She pushes herself to her feet, stumbling a few times before holding her hand out to Gee.

Gee takes Lindsey's hands and is pulled to her feet, giggling when she sees Lindsey's face. "You're pretty."

Lindsey snorts, making herself giggle before trying to be serious, "You should look in the mirror. Then you'd see proper beauty."

Gee rolls her eyes but there is no way of hiding the blush on her cheeks. "Shut up."

They order takeaway and Gee is sure she gave the pizza guy twenty dollars too much but shrugs it off anyway. When she goes back into the lounge, Lindsey's crying as she pets Max - Mikey's dog. Lindsey looks at Gee and sniffles, "He's so cute," she whimpers. She covers her mouth as she starts to sob again and buries her nose into the dog's fur. Max wags his tail happily.

They eat all three pizzas - Gee only remembers ordering two.. maybe she did give the pizza guy enough. They leave the mess in the lounge and Gee puts Max upstairs.

"My rooms this way." Gee leads Lindsey through the kitchen and opens the basement door. Suddenly she's intimidated - she can't possibly walk down all of those stairs. Maybe if she sits down..

Lindsey takes Gee's hand, getting her to look at her. Lindsey's hand is soft and warm. Lindsey smiles at Gee and Gee hopes that the girl can't see her blush. They walk downstairs slowly and carefully and Gee turns on the light when they reach the bottom of the basement stairs.

Gee's bedroom is a mixture of art pieces of her own and comic books. Her walls are a light pink but they're mostly covered in paintings of her original comic book characters. Her bed's full of fluffy pillows and her cat Mitch is curled up at the bottom - as always.

Gee starts taking her socks off and watches as Lindsey goes over to the bed and kneels down to pet Mitch. She starts to pet him and squeals when he starts to purr. "He's so pretty," she says, almost in a daze.

Gee laughs, "Yeah, he loves attention."

Gee goes to take her shorts off but then her body dysphoria kicks in. She hasn't completed her body surgery yet and there is no way in hell that she's changing in front of Lindsey. Drunk or not, Gee is aware of how much she hates the lower half of her body and doesn't want Lindsey to know. She grabs her pyjamas from her dresser, "I'm going to get changed in the toilet," she says, turning to go back up the stairs.

Lindsey nods - doesn't even turn her attention away from Mitch. "Okay," she says simply.

Gee manages to make it upstairs to the kitchen and goes to the downstairs toilet. She turns the light on and shuts the door behind her before letting out a sigh. She hates changing, she hates going to the toilet, she hates seeing the thing that shouldn't be there between her legs. She wipes her eyes, ignoring the slight sting when her mascara gets into her eyes. She changes quickly, pulling on boxers -fucking boxers that only make her feel more shitty- on really high so that there's no bulge or proof of her having a penis.

She goes back down to the basement, her clothes upstairs in the washing machine ready to put on in the morning. Lindsey's laid out on the bed in just her top and underwear, Mitch kneading her stomach.

Lindsey looks at Gee with a smile, "I want him," she grins.

Gee laughs, "If I wasn't so attached to him then you could have him." She sits next to Lindsey and rubs behind Mitch's ear, the grey cat purring in response.

"Have you been crying?" Lindsey asks, sitting up and looking at Gee, making Mitch return to his original spot at the bottom of the bed.

Gee's self consciousness comes running back and she just shakes her head, looking down at her knees. "No-I just."

Lindsey wraps her arms around Gee and Gee immediately, almost naturally puts her face into the crook of Lindsey's neck. She feels Lindsey pull her closer and play with the back of her short red hair. Gee loosely grips the back of Lindsey’s top. Lindsey smells like alcohol and sweet perfume. There's a tinge of sweat and fabric conditioner too. It's the most comforting sense in the world.

They fall asleep spooning; Gee the little spoon and Lindsey's arms wrapped around her, holding her to her chest. Sometime in the middle of the night, Mitch moves and curls up by Gee, purring contently against her.

-

_Dear diary,_

_It's been a week since Lindsey and I went to see Frank's band play and came back to mine drunk. I can't remember much of it.. I just know that we spooned and that Lindsey smells amazing and fuck it's definitely a crush._

_I've never even kissed anyone other than Frank and we were fifteen. It doesn't really count. I don't think I'll ever tell Lindsey. She's probably straight anyway.. oh well. I'll live._

_Gee xo_

-

Gee's walking down the hall when her bag is pulled back so harshly that she falls onto her behind. She looks up and surprise surprise, it's the boys from her bus stop. Exactly what she needs when she's already a few minutes late to her English class. She tires to push herself back up, but instead gets a kick to her stomach and lands back down. Her bag is ripped from her back and the contents poured out onto the floor. She's able to grab her phone but doesn't have the same luck for her diary.

"Ohh look at this boys, the tranny keeps a diary."

Gee tries once again to get up but someone behind her holds her down by her shoulders. Her eyes start to tear up.

The boy puts on a mocking voice as he starts to read the diary entry, " _Dear diary, today Lindsey and I went shopping in the mall. Lindsey tried_ -" the boy skips a few pages, clearly looking for something better to read than a dull entry about shoes. And then Gee remembers all of the drawings of her and Lindsey, and by the look on the guy's face, he's found them.

"Well well well, looks like someone has a crush," he smirks, showing the other boys the pictures and all of them laughing.

Gee struggles to get out of the grasp, but she's too weak. She watches as the artwork she spent hours on is ripped out and scattered to the ground. She lets out a cry and a few seconds later, one of the classroom doors opens, an algebra teacher and her class step out. Gee recognises Frank and Lindsey's faces before she gets up and rushes down the hall. She can hear footsteps behind her but the adrenaline fuels her enough to run out of the main doors of the school.

-

It's been three days and Gee hasn't left her room. She's cut herself off from everyone - only letting the doctor her mother called to examine her stomach in. She eats when she knows everyone is asleep, and as for her phone, it's been off since she got home. Frank dropped her bag and her belongings off but Gee refuses to see him and all. She knows Mikey's keeping the bag in his room and she trusts him not to look through it.

If it was up to her then she'd be home schooled. The whole 'don't let them get to you' attitude she was trying to adapt to has gone out the window. She never wants to leave her room again.

The only problems are, are that one, her mother won't let her be homeschooled. Secondly, there's the fact that her has to go to her hormone replacement therapy tomorrow. She can't miss that, she doesn't want to miss that. But she also doesn't want to face the world.

-

When her mother sees her the next morning, she nearly cries of happiness and pulls her into her arms. Gee just closes her eyes and hugs her mother back. She's still not ready to face this shitty world.

"Who's taking me today?" Gee asks once she's let go of.

"Frank is."

Gee furrows her eyebrows, "What?"

"Your father's working and I have to go to a meeting, but Frank said he'll take to."

Gee sighs, "Alright." There goes her plan of ignoring everyone other than her family.

She gets ready but doesn't dress in her usual perky, pastel clothing. Instead she wears the black hoodie and leggings she wears to bed sometimes. She isn't going to school after the appointment so grabs her keys and puts it in her bag.

As soon as she gets in the car, she notices the cuts on Frank's chin. She doesn't get a chance to say anything though, because Frank pulls her into a hug and kisses her cheek.

"Do you not know how to work your phone?" He doesn't sound angry - he's trying to lighten the situation. But all Gee can think about are the cuts on Frank's face.

"Frank please tell me you didn't-"

"Beat the shit into those guys? No, I didn't."

Gee lets out a sigh of relief.

"Lindsey on the other hand.."

Gee's eyes go wide, "What?"

"I'll take you for breakfast after your appointment and explain."

-

Frank takes them to a diner for breakfast, orders Gee the biggest breakfast they have and tells her she has to at least eat half of it. Gee agrees, as long as Frank tells her exactly what happened with Lindsey.

"Well I ran after you," Frank explains, "But when you had left the building I knew there was no point of trying to catch up with you. So I went back, ready to rip shreds into those assholes, but Lindsey was already doing it. She was on top -on top- of that huge guy who was holding you down and punching his nose. It was fucking rad."

"It isn't rad, Frank!" Gee replies, anxiety raising. "That'll go on her permanent record!"

Frank shook his head, "The school agreed that as long as it doesn't happen again, it won't be on her file."

Gee sighs, running her hands over her face, "Is she in school?"

Frank shook his head, "She's been off since you have."

Gee frowns, "Why?"

"Said that when you're ready to face everything, she'll do it with you."

Gee blushes. She doesn't know if she has a crush on a heroin or an idiot.

"She did ask about why they had called you those names though.." Frank trails off.

"She heard them?"

"They were calling you it as you ran down the hall."

Gee feels her stomach flip and she's sure she's going to throw up. "Oh." She looks down. "Did you tell her why they call me that?"

"I did," Frank replies. He puts his hand on top of Gee's, "It only made her rage towards those assholes more."

Gee looks up, "So.. she isn't.. like.."

Frank helps her out, "She isn't transphobic, she sees you as you - a girl, and her best friend."

Gee looks up, "Really?"

"Really."

-

"Text me if you want me to pick you up later," Frank says.

Gee nods her head, "I'll probably get my mom to pick me up, but thank you. And thank you for taking me today," she kisses Frank's cheek. She gets out of the car and knocks the door, playing with her fingers anxiously. Lindsey opens the door and her face lights up immediately.

Gee's pulled into a tight hug and she hugs Lindsey back. Her smell is still extremely comforting to her and she wants to cry out of both guilt for getting Lindsey in trouble and content.

"I've fucking missed you," Lindsey mumbles, her face pushed against Gerard's shoulder.

Gee can't help but laugh, "I've missed you too."

Lindsey pulls back and cups Gee's cheeks, smiling at her. "Seriously - I've really missed you."

Gee laughs, "I know. I've really missed you too."

-

Gee's allowed to the stay the night at Lindsey's - both their mothers clearly seeing how good they are for one another.

"Sorry my room isn't quite as cool as your basement one," Lindsey winks, sitting down on her bed with a collection of horror films in her hand. "We can't all be beautiful aspiring artists."

Gee shakes her head, but as always, the blush is on her cheeks. "Shut up."

Lindsey sits up against the headboard of her bed, Gee's head in her lap. Gee smiles at the soft threading of Lindsey's fingers through her hair and her eyes find themselves shut   for most of the movie.

-

"Can I ask you something"?

The two of them are in bed, under the sheets with their legs entwined. Gee opens her eyes and is able to see the outline of Lindsey's features, "Sure."

"Who's Jamia?"

Gee bites her lip. That name always brings a sour taste to her mouth. "Frank mention her?"

"Yeah."

Gee sits up, turning the lamp on next to her and watching as Lindsey does the same. "Jamia is Frank's ex girlfriend. She had just moved her a month after I started my hormone replacement therapy. Long story short - We became best friends and shortly after that she started dating Frank. She didn't know I was trans, the only people in the school who knew were my brother, Frank, Ray, and the teachers. Anyway, I decided to tell her.. but she flipped. She called me names, slapped me because I had seen her change in gym class and I was clearly just a 'horny guy in drag trying to get material to get off on'," she takes a break and wipes her eyes.

"You don't need to tell me anymore," Lindsey promises, taking Gee's hand in her's. She can see where this is going. "Just know that I'll never ever do that to you."

Gee simply sniffles and lays her head against Lindsey's chest. "Thank you."

"For what? Being a decent human being?"

Gee pulls back and looks up, "For being my friend.. and not freaking out or-"

"There's nothing to freak out about," Lindsey replies. "There is something I want to show you though." She turns around and opens her drawer, pulling out a piece of paper that looks like ripped up pieces of paper with celotape holding them together. "You forgot this the other day."

Gee looks at it - it's one of the drawings of Lindsey from her diary. Only this one isn't just Lindsey on her own - it's Lindsey and Gee kissing. Gee's cheeks go red, "I uh."

"It's a good drawing," Lindsey says, looking down at the picture before up at Gee. "But I don't kiss like that."

Gee isn't sure what to say. Does she apologise?

"Can I show you how I kiss?"

Gee certainly wasn't expecting that. She watches as Lindsey leans in and does the same,  her eyes close just before their lips gently push against one another's. Gee doesn't know exactly how to describe this feeling - but she's never felt so good before.

Lindsey pulls back first and smiles, "That give you a better idea of how I kiss?" She teases.

Gee pretends to think about it, "Can you show me again?"

Lindsey grins, "Happily," she leans in and so does Gee.

-

After a week of being a couple, Gee tells Lindsey what happened with Jamia - the full version. She explains how she tries to force Frank to choose her over Gee, and when Frank broke up with her for being transphobic and said he would always stand with Gee, Jamia made it her business to tell everyone in the school that Gee's trans.

"What a bitch," Lindsey practically spits, wrapping her arm around Gee's shoulder and kissing her cheek.

Gee hums in response, leaning her head on Lindsey's shoulder. "I didn't go to school for a month."

"I don't blame you," Lindsey replies, looking at Gee. "I'm glad you came back though."

Gee smiles, moving closer to Lindsey and nodding slightly. "Yeah, me too."


End file.
